WEBVTT

1
00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:03.120
Good morning, I'm Tech Jagoff.

2
00:00:03.120 --> 00:00:13.840
We're excited to announce our new line of products designed to make your life exactly the same as before, but with less privacy, more subscriptions at an even higher price.

3
00:00:13.840 --> 00:00:19.080
To tell you more about how we bleed your bank account like a stuck pig, here's Stephanie.

4
00:00:19.080 --> 00:00:22.280
Decades ago, we would sell you products that you'd actually own.

5
00:00:22.280 --> 00:00:26.080
Well, I'm happy to say, those days are long gone.

6
00:00:26.080 --> 00:00:30.960
Now everything we released is virtually the same as 10 years ago, despite being double the price.

7
00:00:30.960 --> 00:00:37.360
Plus, if you were thinking about upgrading your current product, it's probably because we made it unusable with a recent software update.

8
00:00:37.360 --> 00:00:42.360
Now, to talk more about how we milk data from you like a captive farm animal, let's go to Matthew.

9
00:00:42.360 --> 00:00:44.800
We're serious about your privacy.

10
00:00:44.800 --> 00:00:48.680
And by that, I mean, we're seriously rich from the fact that you no longer have it.

11
00:00:48.680 --> 00:00:54.640
For example, when you give social media apps full access to your photos, this can every picture you've ever taken.

12
00:00:54.640 --> 00:00:59.520
Your child's faces, your girlfriend's nudes, and those pesky rashes you're trying to get rid of.

13
00:00:59.520 --> 00:01:04.880
Let's check it with Peyton to go over how social media melts your brain like the acid blood from the movie Ailey.

14
00:01:04.880 --> 00:01:13.440
While we're siphoning more of your money and personal data than ever before, I'm excited to announce you get the worst user experience yet.

15
00:01:13.440 --> 00:01:19.800
The feed meant to be populated by memories of your friends and family has been completely replaced.

16
00:01:19.800 --> 00:01:24.400
Political posts designed to specifically upset you personally for engagement.

17
00:01:24.400 --> 00:01:29.600
Unnerving AI-generated videos that make it difficult to discern basic reality anymore.

18
00:01:29.600 --> 00:01:35.920
And of course, more advertisements in a single day than previous generations would see in their lifetime.

19
00:01:35.920 --> 00:01:39.280
Let's go back to Jaggolf to wrap up this halacious nightmare.

20
00:01:39.280 --> 00:01:41.760
Wow, we've covered a lot today.

21
00:01:41.760 --> 00:01:44.040
Stuff brought up how we own your money.

22
00:01:44.040 --> 00:01:49.520
Matthew mentioned how we own your privacy and Peyton talked about how we own your mind.

23
00:01:49.520 --> 00:01:53.600
As exciting as that is, we do have one more thing.

24
00:01:53.680 --> 00:01:58.160
Introducing our newest product, Your Soul.

25
00:01:58.160 --> 00:02:06.480
We've partnered with none other than Satan himself to bring our shareholders the most exciting product launch, Intech History.

26
00:02:06.480 --> 00:02:13.440
Your soul will be available in Slate Gray, Brush Titanium and the Stylish Rose Gold.

27
00:02:13.440 --> 00:02:18.080
Once we own your soul, you'll never be able to escape our Walt Garden.

28
00:02:18.080 --> 00:02:21.600
No matter what you do, we'll always be here to wish you.