Good morning, I'm Tech Jagoff.
We're excited to announce our new line of products designed to make your life exactly the same as before, but with less privacy, more subscriptions at an even higher price.
To tell you more about how we bleed your bank account like a stuck pig, here's Stephanie.
Decades ago, we would sell you products that you'd actually own.
Well, I'm happy to say, those days are long gone.
Now everything we released is virtually the same as 10 years ago, despite being double the price.
Plus, if you were thinking about upgrading your current product, it's probably because we made it unusable with a recent software update.
Now, to talk more about how we milk data from you like a captive farm animal, let's go to Matthew.
We're serious about your privacy.
And by that, I mean, we're seriously rich from the fact that you no longer have it.
For example, when you give social media apps full access to your photos, this can every picture you've ever taken.
Your child's faces, your girlfriend's nudes, and those pesky rashes you're trying to get rid of.
Let's check it with Peyton to go over how social media melts your brain like the acid blood from the movie Ailey.
While we're siphoning more of your money and personal data than ever before, I'm excited to announce you get the worst user experience yet.
The feed meant to be populated by memories of your friends and family has been completely replaced.
Political posts designed to specifically upset you personally for engagement.
Unnerving AI-generated videos that make it difficult to discern basic reality anymore.
And of course, more advertisements in a single day than previous generations would see in their lifetime.
Let's go back to Jaggolf to wrap up this halacious nightmare.
Wow, we've covered a lot today.
Stuff brought up how we own your money.
Matthew mentioned how we own your privacy and Peyton talked about how we own your mind.
As exciting as that is, we do have one more thing.
Introducing our newest product, Your Soul.
We've partnered with none other than Satan himself to bring our shareholders the most exciting product launch, Intech History.
Your soul will be available in Slate Gray, Brush Titanium and the Stylish Rose Gold.
Once we own your soul, you'll never be able to escape our Walt Garden.
No matter what you do, we'll always be here to wish you.